Mending Guilt
by CathyCat2709
Summary: Trying to deal with all the crazy things that has happened lately, Emma finds herself at Grannie's with a drink in her hand. And she realizes that she has a lot to make up for. Set post Neverland, ignoring the bodyswap. Probably Swan Queen.


It's been one and a half year.

Nineteen months and twenty one days to be exact.

Nineteen months and twenty one days since Henry showed up at her door steps in Boston on her 28th birthday.

Emma wonders if it's to early to order something stronger than hot chocolate with wiped cream and cinnamon.

Whipped cream and cinnamon... it's the same way as her son and her mother like their cocoa.

"Ruby?" Emma calls the waitress and tosses the keys of the bug when she looks up. The brunette catches them without batting an eye... because her friend is not only just her mother's best friend but also a werwolf.

_I so need a drink, whatever the hour is._ Emma thinks as she pushes her half finished cocoa aside, avoiding Ruby's questioning look.

"Watcha like?" The tall brunet waitress doesn't have to ask what Emma means, she knows _that look_.

"Really don't care." Emma mutters, sending off all warning alarms in Ruby's head that maybe she should sent Emma to Archie instead of giving her some vodka, tequila, or gin or anything like that but she has to admit that that part of her that's not Red was tempted to join the blonde in a round of shots. After all she knows that this is _Emma_, this was the way she deals with things (when she's not destroying toasters, that is) so Ruby simply hands her a glass of whiskey.

"Thanks." the Sheriff manages to say before she takes a large gulp, thankful that Ruby leaves her to sit alone in the very back of the counter to serve other costumer. The waitress knows better than to ask further questions about what happened that made her friend want to get drunk on a Thursday afternoon alone.

_What _had_ happened?_ Emma asks herself. She isn't entirely sure, she just knows that she had the sudden urge to drown herself in a ocean of alcohol until the dizziness would make way for a welcomed numbness.

Ironically her head would start spinning a lot more before giving her some rest.

She takes another sip.

Again, all she can think about are those nineteen months and twenty one days.

_Had it really been that long? _

In a way it feels like it was just last week that Henry crashed into her life... or back into it. But on the other hand it feels like another life time when she thinks back to her last job as a bail bondsperson.

It just had happened so much.

_Well, that's an understatement._ Emma snorts and drowns the rest of her glass, ordering another instantly, as she a list appears in her mind's eyes with all the crazy things that had happened to her in the last nineteen months and twenty one days.

The boy she had given up for a closed adoption almost twelve years ago showed up and dragged her into a small town life that lacked all the sleepy-little-town spirit once you scraped the surface.

For him – because of him – she started to settle down, fighting the urge to run from attachment like she has always done. She wanted to be a person that was worthy of him (as opposed to who she had been for the first ten years of his life), only to be in a constant fight with his adoptive mother who put him over everything but suffocated him with her well-hidden-beneath-strictness love because she wanted to give him the live that Emma hadn't been able to.

She found a steady job which just screamed irony regarding her past - a job she had to fight like hell for, getting already dragged into political theater and small town drama.

She actually tried the roommate thing, finding a real friend... her first actually.

At this point she happily takes the second glass that Ruby put on her table, not noticing (or ignoring) the look her friend gives her.

She got dragged into all kind of drama that a town where everyone knows everyone could offer, like the love life of her roommate.

Emma finally decided to give a nice guy a shot only to have him dying in her arms.

She owed a creepy old man a favor so a teenage girl could keep her baby.

She resolved (more or less) a crime last minute that could've been shown on 'CSI'.

All of that was crazy enough. That life she is living now is the exact one she had always been running from. Running from expectation and depending.

It was scary enough on it's own and on top of that she had to deal with the fact that she had no idea how to handle her kid's life (even if it wasn't for the curse-nonsense) when not too long ago she couldn't manage her own.

And then, before she could even cope with all those things – then she had to deal with the fact that all the insane stuff that came out of her son's mouth about fairytales was true. O_ne hundred percent fucking true_.

It screwed over everything she knew and believed to be true. Her entire _reality_.

Before the blonde Sheriff continues to try and sort out her crazy life (which probably would only lead to hyperventilating as she already feels like she can't breathe), she drowns half of her second glass of her good old friend Jack Daniels.

Suddenly nothing what was what it was anymore – or seemed to be.

Her roommate and her lover are her parents – Holy crap! she found her actual _parents _after twenty eight long and lonely and _messed up_ years... Parents who're actually a few years younger than herself, at least physically. And on top they are _Snow Fucking White_ and _Prince No-Kidding Charming_.

Emma is suddenly friends with dwarfs and fairys and werwolfs and princesses and is able to use magic against dementors (wraith, soulsucker, _whatever_; skeleton in black, ripped cloak that sucks out your soul - that's a dementor, period.) and climbs up some beanstalks and then she goes to Neverland on a rescue mission with Snow White, Prince Charming, Rumpelstilskin, Captain Hook and The Evil Queen who are all somehow related to her son.

WHAT THE HELL?!

Suddenly her police cases involve stolen fairy dust and magic beans and old vendettas between different kingdoms.

Just… What. The. Actual. Hell?!

Emma hadn't had a chance to get around the normal-crazy stuff, how is she supposed to handle the insane-fairytale-crazy stuff?!

Her second glass is almost empty by now.

The door of the diner opens and just by the way that the conversations die down Emma knows who it is before the person even addresses her in that dry and faked polite voice.

"Sheriff Swan..." Regina says and just in those two words Emma can hear all the disapproval and disguise about, well, _her_. _Everything_ about her.

Her red leather jacked and yellow bug, the sheriff star being hers, her attitude and her revolt against the mayor, her DNA and her claiming rights to Regina's adoptive son, _just every fucking thing about her._

Emma gladly takes the last sip to give herself some liquid courage and brace up for the fight which is about to come.

The Sheriff knows that, even she kind of welcomes the fight to let her frustration out, Regina _will_ get under her skin, no matter how high she builds her walls with the help of alcohol.

The former queen (or was is former Evil Queen or evil former queen?) doesn't care if Emma is supposed to be some Savior or princess (well, she does but it's not like she didn't hate Emma before). With her son's nasty adoptive-mother Emma knows she doesn't have to wear any cap that doesn't felt like it could ever fit. She could always rely on the mayor getting Emma's feet on the ground - or more like shoving her down where the brunette thinks the Sheriff belongs.

Regina is her connection to the reality, Emma realizes in that moment.

"Madame Mayor." Emma responds in the same polite yet challenging tone, barley able to keep a relieved smirk off her face as she stares into her empty glass.

"Miss Lucas, the usual takeaway please." Regina orders over the counter when Ruby brings Emma her third glass.

"Right away, Madame Mayor."

While sipping on her drink slowly, Emma is just waiting for it. Like a predator is waiting for it's prey to make just a tiny move (whoever the prey might be in this scenario).

_This is okay, this I can handle. This is something I know._

"Maybe a location like The Rabbit Hole would be more fitting for you're drinking activity."

Emma tries not to burst with laughter at just how predictable the brunette can be, instead she tries to remember that her son's adoptive-mother is nothing but annoying.

After all, how the hell can she sound so formal about something like Emma drinking her ass off in the early afternoon?! It wouldn't kill Regina to just once let a casual word slip or -god forbid- loosen up, seriously...

"Just waiting for Ruby to finish her shift." the blonde lies through her teeth, ignoring Ruby's indignant glare from all the way across the diner that clearly says '_don't involve me in this, I enjoy to have my head on my shoulders, thank you very much_' (wolf hearing, you know).

The look Regina gives her, tells her the brunette knows exactly that this is a lie and Emma just waits to be called on it in an insulting response that somehow will still sound polite and well, regal.

_What do you expect, Emma? That the most famous and infamous queen is anything but perfectly in control of herself? Well... I _do_ know how to get under her skin and make her yell at you. _

Emma hides her smirk in her glass.

"I really hope Henry doesn't take on your irresponsible behavior."

"It's s drink, Regina. It's not like I'll let him try some." her voice near to an annoyed growl for being accused of such things but still light enough to irritate her opponent as brown eyes reveal just for the split of a second.

Because how couldn't the sheriff take this seriously and personal?

Again Emma has to keep a satisfied smirk of her lips for being able to push Regina's buttons. Yet another time.

"Yes, an alcoholic drink, but well, Miss Swan, your health really isn't my business." "Exactly." Emma cuts in, knowing exactly how much the brunette hates being interrupted.

_Gee, do you have a death wish?_

Maybe the alcohol was having more impact on her than she realizes.

_But really, who the hell is Regina to judge with her deathly apple cider, anyway?! ...that dangerous, delicious apple cider._

If the mayor hadn't started speaking in that very moment, Emma probably would've spaced off.

"I'm just wondering where _my son_ fits in in your lovely plan for... a girls night." Regina asks, leaning with her back casually but perfectly upright like a model against the counter next to Emma's barstool so she could see Emma's face as she emphasized just whose son they were talking about.

(Which earns her compressed lips because; Really, they had been over this more times than anyone could count. Couldn't she come up with something new?).

Regina made it perfectly clear what she thinks about Emma's plans which, even if the blonde had actually planed them, would do Henry no harm – at least in Emma's eyes.

"I'm not taking him with me to a bar if that's what you're implying." she snarls, putting her drink down with a little more force than necessary.

Now Emma really is getting mad about how little the mayor trusts her sense of responsibility, even tho it was the very reaction she had counted on. She shouldn't even be bother by this, Regina had always made it clear that she doesn't think Emma capable of parenting their son.

"How come that doesn't reassure me at all?"

Emma rolls her eyes before looking fully at the woman next to her for the first time.

And somehow in that moment she feels a little more close to sanity again. All these pointless arguments are -okay not _exactly_ 'normal' between two grown up women, but it was part of _her_ 'normal' routine from a world where she isn't expected to be some kind of white knight and saint.

"Look, I know you're not too... fond of Mary Margret and David, not mentioning Neal... so I thought it was a good idea if he spent the night with you." Emma makes a half-hearted peace offer.

Half-hearted because if she's honest with herself some part of her doesn't actually want this to end while another part feels bad for lying to Regina. Because the only reason she said this, is that she has a pretty good idea how Regina will react since the mayor still has issues with people actually being nice to her without any ulterior motives.

It's so very selfish but in that moment Emma doesn't care, she desperately clings onto that feeling of knowing what to expect for once.

(In the very back of her mind she wonders if that was a reason why some people crave power. Power is control and control is more precious than most people realize.)

"_Miss Swan!_"

Emma doesn't even flinch at the harsh words that Regina spits out like something disgusting as her position goes rigid, nor can the blonde keep that tiny grin off of her face which only makes the mayor more furious.

_Yup, there it is. Broken control and revealed mask._

"This is _unacceptable_! You can _not_ just ship your son off..." "Oh, now he is my son?" Emma cuts in angrily but Regina ignores her for the moment, being in full flow of rage.

"...whenever you feel like he's getting in the way of your _pathetic_ excuse of a social life! I'm not a babysitter at call! I have a job and a life too, as you might know." the mayor hisses just low enough to not attract any attention from anyone who haven't been listening to them in the first place (which probably is 90% of the diner anyway), making Emma's skin crawl at the furious words that sound cold and heated all the same.

Because sheriff or not, the subliminal threat reminds Emma once again that she's lucky to be on the same side of Regina when it comes to their child (even Regina doesn't see it that way most of the time). Emma really doesn't want to cross path with mother-lioness on contradictory terms.

And it makes her a tiniest bit... warm, proud, relieved or something like that to know that the brunette will always fight like hell for Henry – not that Emma hasn't already seen that with her own eyes.

Usually the blonde would've given into her short temper by now, snapping at the mayor how she can't see that Emma doesn't want to mock her but simply tries to give her some mother-son bonding time. But surprisingly Emma feels no desire for it nor does she see the need to raise her voice.

For a split second the sheriff weights if she should either comment about the life that the mayor definitely does not have outside of her son and job (which, by the way, she only or at least mainly got back because Emma pointed out that Regina might not be the easiest person but a very good mayor, not that anyone else is fitting for the job anyway) or if she should make a side remark on the fact that it sounds like Regina doesn't want to have Henry even Emma knows that she's only going off about feeling used as a babysitter instead of getting to be his mother.

And she feels a pang of guilt in her stomach for keeping mother and son apart so much.

Emma knows which one would be dismissed easily and which one would get under Regina's skin.

So instead of joining the angry screaming match to defend herself and accuse the brunette of being incompetent of parenting her son as well -as Regina expects- Emma shrugs slightly and continues calmly as if she isn't bothered by this argument at all (but well, Emma never really seemed intimidated by a fight with the former-evil queen) and it's driving Regina up the wall.

"So you don't want to take him for the night? Well, I guess then-"

"Of course I want to!" Regina cries out and for a moment Emma regrets her words and this whole pointless fight.

These words are a mother desperate try to win back her child, not a mayor fighting with the sheriff.

Of course did Emma go for Regina's weak spot but she didn't meant to drive her beyond breaking point in public when this isn't even a serious argument - at least to her.

But the brunette quickly catches herself again behind a stoic mask that only allows a spark of fire, pain and anger in her eyes, trying to fire just as hurtful comments but Emma shows no sign of being even bothered by them at all.

"I will happily take him out of your _irresponsible _and_ incompetent_ hands but we both know that since you showed up two years ago-" "Nineteen months and twenty one days." Emma says dully as she's being reminded of her original issue before the mayor walked into the diner and drowns the last drop of her drink instead of trying to defend herself or get back at the brunette.

She doesn't seemed to even _want_ to fight back, scream at the mayor just as much.

_What the hell!_ Since when does Emma step back from a fight?!

This is what they do; they fight, trying to out smart and hurt each other and drive the other insane because they always know each others weak spots. They push each others buttons and get under each others skin because they _know_ how to do it. They rile each other up in a game of power and control just for the very sake of it.

They can always rely on this, rely on the other to keep this bit of normality.

And it's maddening Regina that Emma left their usual path. The feeling of angry disappointment and maybe, perhaps betrayal is clouding the mayor's judgment, keeping her from seeing that Emma did exactly what she always does; get under her skin and drive her up the wall - just in a different way as usual.

Emma can see's the fire in Regina's eyes and suddenly she feels light headed and tense, yet down to earth, calm and relaxed.

"What does it matter?!" the mayor almost shrieks in a very unladylike manner, giving the so-called Savior a weird look that clearly questions her sanity for counting the days.

The way that Emma just sits there calmly and waits patiently for the former-evil queen to do her worst, making Regina feel even more stupid and embarrassed for her outburst than she already does.

She can't believe she lost her cool if just for a second time in this argument when her counterpart isn't affect the slightest.

And she feels a little bit ashamed that she still let's the blonde get under her skin like that.

Taking a deep breath, Regina continues with a more controlled voice, her tone stern and serious, rebuilding the image of the well put together mayor.

"Miss Swan, point is, you should've thought about all this before you let him get attached to you, before you turned his life upside down. Now let me tell you this; You had the chance to listen to me and walk away while you still could, now it's too late to run. If you're gonna toss him away another time because you're not more than a scared little girl yourself, there is no place in this universe that I won't find you and-"

"-let me guess; you're gonna destroy me if it's the last thing you do?" the alcohol has made her cocky and reckless.

And very stupid. She answered before the mayor's words had even sunken in, before she realized what Regina is saying.

Not only are the brunette's words true as anything can be, but also is she indirectly saying that she would allow Emma and Henry some time together and maybe at some point actually accept the sheriff as a part of her – their – son's life because it's the best for him (not that they wouldn't fight about the terms) and the mayor did not just say this because she felt like it would be torture to Emma to not be able to run.

"No, I'm gonna do far worse." Regina whispered in a low, dangerous voice, being every bit of mother-lioness again.

"Worked out so well the last time." Emma mutters, not being able to meet brown eyes as her cheeks heat in shame.

Shame that she wouldn't stop this fight, no matter how much she hurt the brunette.

Emma tries to reason herself that she can't bring this to an end, at least not now and here, because she wants to spare both the humiliation of laying open their actual meanings and feelings in public. Apparently that's the only way a fight ever seems to come to an end, if just temporary, with them – when they strip away of all the layers and allow themselves to show weakness and vulnerability.

Shame that she misuses Regina's trust of allowing the blonde to look just a little further than everyone else for selfish reasons – because that's the only reason Emma can get under the mayor's skin like no one else after all because she allows her to, right? Regina lets her in because she knows that Emma can understand her in ways no one else can. Both of them have walls so high, they only ever trust the other to know just how fragile those walls actually are. They're on the same page somehow after all.

Shame that she needs this. Needs Regina to hurt her and needs Regina to get hurt to catch a glimpse of the strong yet broken woman she really is – because Regina is the only one that she has ever met who is just as damaged as herself if not more and yet she manages to handle her life. If Regina can pull off being strong, maybe so can she.

Regina is hope for Emma. Hope that she can be strong as everyone expects her to be even when she is broken and scared.

Shame that despite all, Emma suddenly is fantasizing to hear this tone under very different circumstances... but she blames the heat in her abdomen on the alcohol, ignoring the fact that she has had similar thoughts before when being completely sober.

"I don't need to listen to you insulting how _I_ raised _my_ son when you-" Regina starts, returning to common ground but again it was the alcohol that speaks out of Emma's next words.

"I don't need a single word. His actions are answer enough."

_The way he acts is quiet enough to show he is _our _son now._ is what Emma wanted to say, she thinks it is clear.

She knows that Regina will continue with the more literal sense of her words but she expects the brunette to understand from the intense and understanding look in her eyes how she means it.

But the flicker of pain in those dark brown eyes proofs other wise.

Again guilt washes over Emma.

Guilt to have hurt Regina, hurt her intentionally out of selfish reasons.

Guilt that she doesn't have a healthier way of sorting things out for herself than drinking whiskey and starting a fight with this already messed up woman.

Even when said woman always comes back for another argument.

Not only has been everything going crazy for Emma but also for Regina. But this, these arguments and fights and insults, this is something they know, this is familiar.

They both need it. Need it like an addiction, a masochistic one perhaps, no matter how much they hate the other for it because not only do they _need_ it but also _want_ it – not that they would ever admit that.

Admit that it is all these nasty comments that Regina throws the so-called savior's way that keeps Emma from running from this fairytale insanity when everything seems too much (but she can't ever run again because of Henry).

Admit that every time the sheriff revolts without fear but also without prejudice against the mayor, Regina feels a huge relief. Relief that there is one person that will treat her like a person and not for what she used to be.

In a way, they make each other feel like themselves again, taking the other out of the role of hero and villain they're expected to play.

With each other they aren't the Savior and Evil Queen, just Emma and Regina.

Ruby drops Regina's order on the counter, not sure if she really wants to draw any attention to herself (she has long given up on stepping in), and break the intense glares between the two women.

Regina pulls out the required cash for her order, ignoring Emma as if she never even noticed the blonde had been there in the first place. The only evidence of the previous argument are the silent whispers of the other costumer in the diner and how the mayor purses her lips just ever so slightly (even Emma doubts that anyone beside her notices that the brunette's lip scar is showing as always when she feels like she lost control of the situation).

"Have fun destroying the rest of your brain cells. At least I know you couldn't ingest any liquor during your pregnancy." the brunette calmly drops another snide remark about Emma's time in jail with a faked polite smile as she grabs the take away bag and turns to leave.

"You don't know anything..." Emma grumbles to keep the facade up while she glances out of the corner of her eyes at the figure in black heels and pencil skirt leaving the diner which finally sighs in relief at the loss of the tension between mayor and sheriff.

Emma's own words makes her realize something; Regina does not know a thing. She has barley ever spoken openly with Regina.

Sure, by tearing at each others walls they found out a few things about the other and by having more in comment than any of them wants to admit, they can read each other pretty well but never has Emma actually bothered to really get to know the brunette and her side of the story - and not just try to get along with her for Henry's sake. (suddenly almost-twenty months seemed awfully long)

She wants that, Emma realizes.

She wants a clean slate with Regina because there is just so much potential for having someone who fully understands for the first time. For having someone to lean on and for being needed if they just put their fucking pride aside.

"So girls night, huh?" Ruby pulls her out of thoughts that have only left a light feeling in Emma's stomach. A feeling that easily over powers the guilt, anger and shame towards the mayor from just a minute ago.

Emma barley remembers that she felt like she was drowning in madness not too long ago.

The sheriff grins sheepish at her friend. She knows exactly Ruby's words mean something more like '_What the hell was _that_?! Why did you drag _me_ into this?!_'

"Sorry Ruby. I just didn't want- I needed an explanation, you know how she is. She would've pulled me to piece if she knew... nevermind. Sorry, I didn't want to involve you, I know you have the late shift today." and as if to make it even more clear to the waitress that Emma doesn't want to talk about why she had started to drown herself in alcohol and fight with Regina in the first place, she pulls out her phone and starts tapping on it.

She seems very deep in thoughts, her eyebrows narrowed as if she's concentrating so hard on the text that she blends out the rest of the world.

Well, she did drown three glasses of whiskey in fifteen minutes, it'd be a miracle if the words she's writing make any sense (Emma has a thing with using text-speak, maybe too much sometimes even without alcohol in her system).

"Who you texting?" Ruby asks, careful to not let her curiosity and concern alarm the blonde but the waitress wouldn't have had to worry about that, Emma doesn't even look up at her question.

"Uh, Mary Margret." The word's reek lie to the wolf-lady but what choice does she have but clean the counter and watch her friend silently when the blonde doesn't want to talk, come hell or high water.

After a minute Emma finally stuffs her phone into the back pocket of her jeans (Ruby knows a thing or two about tight clothes and wonders how anything would fit into the pockets of those skin tight jeans) and puts some cash on the counter.

"Keep the change." she says, getting up to leave but Ruby calls after her.

"Wait, I have a break in ten minutes. You shouldn't drive."

Emma turns back to her friend and even tho she tries to suppress rolling her eyes and give her friend a smile instead, the brunette catches the annoyed look. As if the forced smile wouldn't be hint enough about the sheriff's annoyance.

But Ruby gets it; Emma never had someone to look after her and now that she's an adult and used to taking care of herself, she has a town full of people looking out for her and as much as she understands and appreciates it, it makes her feel like everyone sees her as a mere reckless teenager (which she is sometimes, just saying), incapable of making her own decisions.

That'd annoy Ruby too. Granny is already too much sometimes.

"Thanks but I'm hardly drunk. And I planned on walking anyway, you have my keys, remember?" Emma tells her friend, walking backwards for a few steps on her way out.

"Where you going?" Ruby shouts concerned, trying to keep the blond from doing something stupid.

"Picking Henry up from the school project he had today." the Sheriff calls back, this time not bothering to turn around.


End file.
